Finally Loving Life

Hello beautiful people,

Yesterday, I was dealing with the residue of my most recent spiritual push to release and let go of things and people that were no longer a part of my life. There was a sadness, but also anger and shame. I felt like I had been rejected and was angry that others got to move on to the next best thing, leaving me feeling isolated and abandoned.

I started to ponder why that was, and my inner child spoke up and told me that I never felt a sense of love and acceptance from the sources that were placed in my life, with loving and protecting me being one of their main responsibilities, leaving me to grow into a person that had to wing it through life. A person that had to figure it out through the process of trying something, getting knocked down, getting back up, nurturing myself back to health, trying again, rinse and repeat.

It left me as a person that felt desperate for love and acceptance to the point that it birthed a purpose, one that was about pouring out into others, creating and providing spaces that felt like a warm hug. But there was one problem: it never seemed to attract the ones I aimed for nor did it ever take off. So out of disappointment in society, relationships, and the structural dynamic of how this world worked, I disconnected. And I mean disconnected in a way like, well, I call it my Hulk moment. There’s a scene in a Marvel movie where Hulk is called in to fight and the team is hyping him up like he can’t lose and honestly, up to that point, there was no reason to believe he couldn’t take on anything, to the point where Hulk believed there was nothing he couldn’t do or accomplish. So he entered this fight scene, and let’s just say, he got his azz beat! I’m talking, he was slung around like a literal rag doll.

From that moment forth, whenever they tried to get Bruce to turn into the Hulk, Hulk would come to the surface and scream NOOOO!!! and then retreat. That was me. I had been beaten by life so badly that anytime I tried to call my spiritual creativity to the surface so I could pour and build community, it screamed NOOOO! and retreated back to the recesses of my soul.

I wanted to be creative again, but my gifts are tied to community building. But what happens to that purpose when you feel shunned by community? When you feel not only misunderstood, but made to feel like you are unlovable, unlikable, and who would actually listen to you when the very people you want to build with have made you out to be a villain?

My inner child had questions. Why are we still around people and in spaces where we feel unsafe? Why do I keep asking the most vulnerable pieces of me to expose themselves to people and spaces that don’t value or see my worth? I apologized to my inner child. I can’t change what I lacked and needed as a child, and those who were responsible to give me those things and failed to do so, but as an adult, I can promise that I will no longer put myself in spaces that are harmful to me in any way. That I will create a space that allows me to spread out and be as large as my wings expand, that I will create space that is protected, to allow me to rest. It is my responsibility to make sure that I provide myself with safe spaces to expand in and connect with people that don’t just tolerate my presence (which you can feel) but love to be in my presence and desire to mutually pour into each other and build connection.

At that moment, I got it. I got the download that Spirit had been trying to give me but I was only hearing bits and pieces, never being able to put it all together.

There is a quote by Dita Von Teese that says, “You can be the ripest & sweetest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches!” I used to use this quote to reset my insecurities when they would rise to the surface.

In this instance, my spiritual download took it a step further. Spirit told me, you are a peach trying to build in a world that is obsessed with bananas. They love the sleekness, color, removable cover, height, smell, everything about bananas, and they just don’t see the hype in what they view as a round, oddly colored, overly sweet peach. You actually seem like too much but not offering as much as they think they can get from a banana. And they’re not wrong… but they’re not right either. Your feeling of rejection isn’t because you are a bad peach, it’s because you aren’t a banana. And one thing about this society: once it sinks its teeth into what it considers the “ideal,” what people desire or aim for, they will not let go until the majority shifts to another ideal state. Which means you aren’t bad, you’re just trying to appeal to a banana mindset. And no matter what, you will never win them over, and they aren’t wrong for that.

How great it must be to be a banana and be loved in the world you live in. This is why someone can even look at a bruised banana and still think it’s better than a perfect peach. (There’s a deeper level loaded in that one. Maybe one day I’ll dive deeper into it. Y’all remind me. lol) What one loves and hates is determined by the atmosphere you place yourself in, and remember, I now promised my inner child to be more protective and intentional of the spaces I’m in and the people I pair up with.

If you haven’t caught on to where I’m going with this, let me spell it out in bold letters like Spirit did to me: GET OUT OF WORLDS AND ENVIRONMENTS THAT DON’T SUPPORT YOU!

I mean leave them! Make your way to Peachtown immediately!

You see, I was trying to convince people who see the beauty of bananas and are in the banana community, people who ride for their own while having limited ability to see the value in what isn’t like them, to see me as equally great as they are. In that, I put myself in situations where I felt rejected and not accepted. Not because I’m bad, but because I’m in the wrong space. I was also trying to create a peach community in banana territory and wondering, why aren’t there any other peaches around? Why can’t I connect? I needed to get to a space that was built to hold who I am as a person, a space that contains like-minded people who spiritually look and feel like me.

There’s a scripture that mentions the power of being equally yoked, and there’s such a gem there. Many people get caught up in the physical attributes of this, but I dare you to look deeper. When your true inner being is not in alignment, or equally yoked, with a person or a place, it will feel like rejection, abandonment, and misunderstanding. Not because they are wrong, but because you are dwelling in a foreign land, in a territory that doesn’t recognize your spiritual genetic makeup.

So what do you do? You get in alignment, first with who you are to you, then who you are in the world.

The healthiest way to do that is through inner work. The quickest way to get your answers is to ask yourself one of my go-to questions: Close your eyes and imagine you are 95 years old and on your deathbed. It’s late at night and everyone is asleep. In the quiet shadows of your mind, what is one thing you would absolutely be heartbroken in that moment if you never experienced or did it? This isn’t about earthly possessions, we’re going deeper. This is your soul’s desire to experience life in a way that feels like, life owes me nothing at the end.

For me, it was love. Not just romantic love, but fulfilling, accepting, supportive community love that shows up in human partnership and companionship. I found that my gift is creating safe spaces for those who feel like they dwell of the outskirts of society. I’ve always had a knack for doing this, in living spaces, working spaces, and friend groups. It brought me back to the original purpose of this website, before I wandered down the wrong path to banana land and got sidetracked. It reminded me that I don’t spend time trying to change the minds of others, I seek out like-minded people so we can be equally yoked and in alignment with our purpose. I realized that I needed to get back on my path of being an amazing peach and create a space for other peaches who have wandered into apple and orange territory, those looking for others who spiritually look and feel like them, even if it’s in a different font (think nectarines, lol).

There is peace that comes with being in alignment with who you are and your purpose. There is safety for your expression, feelings, and vulnerabilities when you connect with like-minded people. So don’t spend so much time on the rejection, it’s really redirection, as they say. I believe everyone deserves to live in spaces where they feel safe and supported. So I don’t fault others who have found that for themselves, it’s up to me to stop standing in other people’s backyards, trying to force a round peg into a square hole, and then feeling some type of way when it doesn’t fit.

Some things just aren’t fair, to you or them. So figure out your answer. For me, I want to feel the love and support of mutually beneficial partnerships and relationships, both platonic and non-platonic, within a community where we are aligned.

I actually need this.

So I have to determine what I need to do on my part. For me, it’s showing up in this space and over time becoming more consistent, intentional, and intuitive about how I attract others here. To show up in my life in ways that build this type of partnership and safe space for myself. To fill my own cup so that it pours into all the broken spaces from previous journeys. To show myself how much I support and advocate for myself, to enforce boundaries and create trust in my decisions now, and forgive myself for the ones I made in the past. To fill myself to the point that my intuition and relationship with Spirit are so keen that if, at any moment, the atmosphere whispers back “no,” or yells “hell no,” we’re out of there, no explanation needed. I don’t care how kind someone seems or how great an offer looks, if my spirit feels uneasy, I owe it to my inner child to protect it. If it doesn’t feel safe, that’s it, that’s all, I’m out.

Fill yourself until your cup runs over, and when it does, pour it out, not into just anything, but into the places and people you’ve been given charge over. You’ll know what that is, it’s usually the thing that touches your heart the most. And realize, everyone’s purpose isn’t to save the world. Some purposes are simple and beautiful. So once you understand the beauty of who you are, you’ll stop people-pleasing, start upholding boundaries, and begin transitioning into spaces that feel like love and support.

Remember, you are the most amazing, beautiful, good-hearted peach. Get yourself to Peachtown, where you are not only seen but celebrated, and where you can build the healthy, supportive community you deserve to flourish in.

Until next time,

Love you lots! – Sacred

Photo by William Fortunato