No, I fought hard to get to the place of serenity and stability.
A place where everything manifests when work is put in, and water rains down to bear fruit that springs forth effortlessly.
So how did I still end up in the garden of the deprived, neglected and barren?
I fought so hard, so hard, to get…here.
I’ve had plans, and they fell thru, budgets and everything breaks down, putting me farther back than before the budget.
Hopes that have been deferred, dreams that are getting blurry and I fought tooth and nail for all these years just to end up back here over and over again.
Hear me out, MAYBE, just MAYBE….
I know, I know you don’t want me to say it or even think it, but MAYBE, JUST MAYBE…
Shhh don’t cry, I know it’s been the only thing that’s kept you going, but consider just maybe I should let go of this whole idea of MY ideal life, because if I fought this hard for this long to still keep ending up in the same place….
Maybe, just maybe, I might not be able to find my way to THIS utopia.
Maybe life will feel freer and easier without the pursuit of fulfillment that stays several steps ahead of me.
Maybe it doesn’t like to be pursued but likes to be the one that pursues?
Maybe instead of fighting so hard just to keep from falling over the edge, I should just…let…go…
What if letting go didn’t mean giving up, but meant letting go of the mental and emotional battle of pursuing the dream and giving up my will for HIS WILL.
Maybe if I let go, falling aimlessly, HE will catch me in the palm of his hand.
Maybe there I will find rest and HE will carry me the rest of the way.
Maybe, just maybe this might work, I can at least try it, I’ve tried everything else.
So at the count of 3, I’m going to stop holding on to my past.
Past hurt, past pain
Past failure, past blame
Past disappointment, past lost
Past regrets, past lack
Past shame, past could of, should of, would of, but didn’t.
Holding on to it isn’t going to make it better or go away, so might as well LET…IT…GO…
Shhh, I know you’re scared
Yes, yes, I know letting go of the past means letting go of every positive thing you hoped for in the past that still hasn’t manifested.
No, No, I can’t promise you that the hope to get married, have kids and prosper financially will come back, but you still have to let it go, so you can live now, in the NOW.
Close your eyes
Take a deep breath